Where Have All The Men Gone?

Post by Brian Kaufman@ Shrinkthechurch.com.

I’m judgmental. Call it an instinct for survival to quickly size someone up, an insecurity, or just plain pride I tend to think I know you before I know you. Just yesterday I was waiting patiently at the local tire center for my sweet new Michelin 205 55/R16’s when a lady walked in that I instantly sized-up. She was all bedazzled out in her giant sparkly cross purse, studded black hat tilted just slightly, and mobile phone that rang some party tune from the 1970’s. You know instantly what I thought? I thought, “this lady is moderately involved in a local mega-church women’s ministry.” Yeah, I’m judgmental. But, it got me thinking about the contrast of men’s involvement in virtually every area of local mega-church ministries to women’s involvement at the same churches. Where have all the men gone?

There’s a book called, “Why Men Hate Going to Church,” that I only made it about half-way thru just to pick up another book called, “Why Men Hate Reading.” Ok, that second part was a lie, but, the first part is true. The author spent much of his argument focused on the dominant feminine characteristics of the church. I agree that mega-church culture has a tendency to be a bit on the dainty side, and as a result mega-churches are trying to overcorrect with programs and series intended to attract the fictitious, stereotypical man. This man is about 6′2″, 225 lbs, wears flannel shirts, subscribes to the Nascar channel and just happens to be a kickboxing logger who lives in the desert. So, naturally, the church needs to cater to this man by creating over-the-top series’ and programs to engage this man and get his Aqua-Velva-splashing face through the door.

But, there are no loggers where I live. In fact my guess is that the men that do live in the surrounding community neither want to fully engage in the local effeminate church culture nor be forced into a box of the stereotypical man. Meanwhile, the women’s ministry is growing like gangbusters – involved all over the place and carrying much of the local church load. So what’s a mega-church to do?

Simplify. Don’t assume who I am, don’t try to fix me, and don’t give me more to check off my list. Here’s a few things you should know about me as a man:

* I am not a good singer and don’t feel comfortable hitting the high notes that the modern worship leader with his tight jeans and deep v-neck carries with ease
* I don’t like to lift my hands and spin around
* I want to hang out with other guys but not in an environment where I’m pressured or expected to engage for the sole purpose of connecting and talk about my feelings
* I don’t think about beer, sports, girls, sex and fighting all day long
* I just spent a week solving problems, putting out fires, worrying about next week, stressing about my to-do list and going down the mental list of if I’ve been a good father, husband, employee, student, etc. I really don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough because I haven’t plugged into the latest men’s group, mission trip or retreat
* I have difficulty processing someone telling me I’m the bride of Christ
* Words like engage, connect, amazing, spiritual growth, Bible study, prayer circle, feelings and “stand up and say hello to someone around you” don’t quite have the effect on me that you’d hope
* I don’t visit your website, Facebook or follow you on Twitter, so communicate with me some other way
* I’m exhausted and I don’t want to feel judged

Men don’t need more programs, Facebook requests, and church to-do items to add to their list. But, the church thinks they do and as a result pushes most men even further away. I recognize there are a lot of men who do “plug in” to the local church, but, let’s be honest, it is completely disproportionate to the women.

So, where have all the men gone? We are here, but we’re scared to death. We’re scared to be judged and it’s all we can think about because we spend our days putting a face on and judging others. We’re scared to commit to yet another thing because when we can’t meet the commitment we feel like a failure…and most of us already feel like failures at least once a week. We’re hesitant to be categorized into a church program because we neither want to fit in a church box nor be labeled.

Believe it or not, guys WANT to connect with other guys, just not in the way the local church always wants us to. We desire that community – we were built for it. But, we tend not to be maintainers. We don’t call each other to see how our week’s are going or how that “sin issue” is working out. We need excuses to all be at the same place at the same time doing something other than engaging with each other – that will happen naturally between half times, commercial breaks or rest stops. We need the location without the expectation. Then, with a little love, encouragement and direction, you’ll see us at our best. We will begin to want to engage in the local church because we are conquering side-by-side with other men. Got a problem? We will solve it. Got a mission’s trip where little kids are without water, being sexually abused or some other kind of injustice, we’ll knock down the door with such a passion to see things made right that you’ll likely need to restrain us. Got a bunch of guys getting together to pray? Well…that’s a little more difficult but we’ll try our best.

So, local mega-church, you want to engage with us and make us a local and global force for Christ? Put down the bedazzler and start real conversations with us. We need it to be simple, non-threatening, and with as little expectation as possible. Over time and mixed with some grace and truth you’ll see us gain confidence in not only our identity as a man but our identity as Christ-followers. And then we’ll start to engage. We will invite our friends. We might even put your church bumper sticker on our vehicles…but probably not.

Money spent wisely

Our small church is trying to raise funds so we can move from the high school we currently meet at to a permanent site. In doing so we anticipate our attendance to increase and our outreach to the community to expand. It will require the congregation to dig into their pockets and part with more of their hard earned money.

Another blog I was reading today talked about a new JD Hayworth ad which is currently just on the web. The campaign is asking for donations so they can get it to TV.

Do you realize in the election of 2008, $5.3 billion was spent by candidates, political parties and interest groups on congressional and presidential races. This didn't even include all the local races. According to OpenSecrets John McCain has raised $16,000,000 for his current race and has $26+ million on hand.

In the big scheme of things are we wiser to spend money helping the poor or enlisting volunteers for Hayworth? Is it wiser to spend money to dig wells in Africa or watch Obama on the tube? If all we have is God's and we are only temporary stewards of His money how would He want it spent? If we are to store up things eternal are we better off giving our $100 to Feed The Children or John McCain?

How much good could be done in the world with the billions spent on hyping the next savior? No matter the party or politician it seems hard to justify the kind of money we spend on people who will sell us down the river in a heartbeat. Our current economic situation should have woken people up. They spent billions to buy homes and invest in stocks to only see their networth crumble. Anything or anyone bought with money can disappoint and devastate our lives. The things that are precious in God's eyes are not those things money can buy. Perhaps we should trust God to put into power the person He deems fit and use His money to help those who really need it.

To my good friend who is part of this whole process, it's not an indictment of you its just my reflection on how far society has fallen and what and who we feel are worthy of our (Gods) money.

God's Heavenly Dumpster

A few years ago we packed up everything we needed and moved 1500 miles to get a new start. After 17 years of living in the same house you tend to accumulate a lot of stuff. Some of the stuff, are things you had to have but only used once. Some is stuff you’ve had forever. Things like high school yearbooks, trophies and ribbons from childhood when you were the next superstar and plaques and awards from business achievements. When you start packing things up you begin to realize how many of your closets and cupboards are filled with memorabilia. With limited space we began tossing things out. Was I ever going to need that trophy from 1971? Will anyone ever care my wife’s organization won national association of the year in 1998? So into the dumpster it all went. Some of it was pretty hard to part with. I’m not sure why except that we always want to relive the glory days. We arrived at our new home and unpacked everything and it was amazing, we didn’t miss a thing we threw out! For years we held onto stuff that made not one bit of difference in our life.

I think this is how God looks at us. We hold onto our triumphs and our failures of the past and we let them define us. God doesn’t judge us by where we’ve been He looks at where we are and where we are headed. God tells us to leave our past in His heavenly dumpster and He will dispose of it. It just takes up space and weighs us down. He tells us to store up those things eternal and to let go of our worldly possessions. It’s amazing how light and free we feel when we concentrate on the eternal things. We won’t really know how to live until we stop worrying about what everyone thinks and only concern ourselves with what Christ thinks.

Start unloading the baggage that has been taking up space in your life. God’s dumpster is always open and it’s never full.

Pets listen better than Men!

In a recent poll a third of women say their pets listen to them better than their husbands. Is this true? Probably! Communication is one of a wife's big complaints with her hubby. Let's face it men, we don't listen very well.

Is this a genetic thing or an acquired skill? Probably both. Studies show that women speak up to 3 times as many words in a day as men (some say that's because they have to repeat everything). As men we are born to fix things. When our wife comes to us with a problem we naturally want to fix it but often she doesn't want it fixed she just needs someone to listen and this is where the dog is smarter than we are.

Women love to vent, so let them. Put down the remote and listen! It isn't physically painful and can yield many benefits. Show your Mrs. you love her as much as the cat does by listening.

And ladies don't think you're all that either. Almost 20% of the men say their pet also listens better than you.

Leader of the Pack

Last night I was looking out the front window and saw a group of Javelinas walking down the street. A dog across the street started barking and the lead male took point and the others got behind him. As in most packs the male leads and protects his family. Why is it an animal seems to know more about laying down his life for others then us humans? The male will fight to the death to protect what is his. Why does the human male give up when things get too tough?

There was a time when men opened car doors for their women. They pulled out the chair at dinner and made them feel special. What happened? Look at the romance novels women read. There is always a woman in some type of trouble and along comes their knight in shining armor. The knight not only will fight for his love but will also write her a poem, build her a house and be faithful forever more.

Women yearn for the romantic days of being the damsel in distress waiting for prince charming to rescue them. Men, it's time to rescue our women! Be Sir Lancelot or John Wayne. Sweep your woman off her feet. Be tender and loving but also decisive and strong. Take the lead and protect your pack!

It doesn't seem fair!

I heard that from our son the other day. Now he's not an 8 year old who can't go play with his friends. He's almost 30 with a wife and 2 kids. They are in some financial trouble and it seems to him that every time they get ahead something else happens. They make great money but are trying to dig out of debt which has been accumulated over the years.

As I said they have 2 beautiful daughters and they both like their jobs. They have a roof over their heads and are in good health. They can pay their bills, drive a nice car, go out to eat and take short trips. So what's the problem? Their plan to be debt free in 5 or so years has hit a snag and it will take much longer.

I listen to their problems and it sounds like so many others. I don't have this or can't do that etc. If being in debt is their biggest concern I say, be happy! Try having a child with a life threatening disease or your spouse have an affair. I would trade debt for my wife's affair any day.

Society has become so focused on money that we have forgotten what really is important. Guys work themselves into an early grave to support a family that wishes dad was home more. Mom busts her butt to get ahead when all the kids care about is will she make it to their school function. We have become consumed by things of this world and not things that are eternal. We save up riches on earth and then lose them with a market crash instead of saving up things that can't be taken from us.

I would hope this economic downturn opened some eyes to what is important. I, like so many others have little or no savings and live month to month but my wife and I are in what we call "the sweet spot". We finally realize what is really important and spend more of our time trying to serve others. In the long run we are only here for a short time and to worry about the car I drive or clothes I wear is not only short sighted but it also places us outside of God's will. When we are in His will everything comes together how He wants it to. Look at your life and if things aren't going how you think they should maybe you should re-evaluate your priorities.

Does history matter?

Websters defines history as “a chronological record of significant events (as affecting a nation or institution) often including an explanation of their causes.” So why learn it? George Santayana in the early 1900’s said “Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” Plato said “History is the witness that testifies to the passing of time; it illumines reality, vitalizes memory, provides guidance in daily life and brings us tidings of antiquity.”

Currently Texas is in the middle of a controversy concerning the information contained in its schools history books. A group of conservative Christians have pushed their agenda on the school board to adopt their recommendations for the new books. The rhetoric between the conservative and liberal factions has been lively and is now getting national attention. So the question begs to be asked, “Are our school books biased and why is Texas taking this step?”

One answer might be because academia has for too long followed a liberal agenda. Religion has been looked upon as fables and fairy tales and should only be taught in Sunday school. Creation is theory but evolution is fact. The funny thing about that is in Darwins book, Origin of Species, he calls his thesis the Theory of Evolution. Somehow without being able to prove anything his theory has become fact. Sounds eerily like global warming. With selective facts this warming has gone from theory to fact. Maybe I’m exaggerating and schools really have no ideological leanings. Well, we just happen to have a debate in Tennessee about creation vs evolution. A current biology book calls creationism “the biblical myth” but states evolution as the Origin of Man. To think bias is non-existent is to bury our heads in the sand.

In any class in school there is only so much time to go over the material you want covered. In literature it’s deciding which books to read. In science it’s evolution vs creation (which Texas hashed out last year). In history it’s what and who is important to learn about in the limited time. While there are around 100 main changes being proposed the ones that have caused the most uproar are the ones with a religious teaching. This is what I will address here.

I think the root of all the issues is, should U.S. history contain Christian elements? I think it would be very hard to learn about the Pilgrims coming to America and not discuss religious persecution. As much as secularists want to ignore it I find it difficult to not look at the Constitution or our founding fathers and not see a belief in a Creator. It’s hard to talk about our past Presidents and their Ivy League educations and not mention that the Ivy League schools, for the most part, were originally Christian schools. Add to that the swearing in of the President on the Bible, In God We Trust on our money, our Pledge of Allegiance with the line “One Nation under God” and our sense of morals based on Old Testament Law not to mention The 10 Commandments posted in court houses. Like it or not U.S. history and religion are tightly woven together.

The majority of U.S. citizens call themselves Christian. To ignore that label would be no different than a black ignoring his color or a Jew his religion. Since everyone is not a Christian should everyone have to learn history through a Christian lens? I’m not black but we learn about the struggles they went through. I’m not Jewish but we learn about the Holocaust. To think that religion didn’t play a part in our country and doesn’t make us who we are would be like telling a black person slavery didn’t affect his ancestors which in turn affected him.

A Christian should no more ignore his roots than a black or Jew. Our past as well as our ancestors have made us who we are today. To not study why we think or do what we do would be the height of self centeredness.

Should we include Ronald Reagan but not Cesar Chavez? How about Nazi’s but not the KKK? Should all American Indians be looked upon as peace loving people before the white man came or should we talk about tribe on tribe massacres? These are debates that will continue but If we are talking about U.S. history then at some point someone has to make a decision to tell the truth and not bow to the PC crowd.

Will Texas go too far? Probably. But can you really blame them? When our grade school children are being read books about two princes being in love with each other. When our high school kids can’t take an aspirin but can have an appointment at the abortion clinic set up or instead of being taught abstinence they are given condoms there is something out of whack. At some point in time we lost our way and to many getting back to our roots and core beliefs is a great starting point.

So is teaching about a Creator and His moral laws more destructive to society then the gay agenda or radical feminism? I don’t see how but this brings us back to the original question should religion especially Christianity be looked at from a historical perspective when discussing how the U.S. got to be where it is today? Whether you’re Christian or not I see no way you can say religion has not played a major role in developing the attitudes of the people of this great country (for better or worse) and therefore should be included in any history lesson.