Where Have All The Men Gone?

Post by Brian Kaufman@ Shrinkthechurch.com.

I’m judgmental. Call it an instinct for survival to quickly size someone up, an insecurity, or just plain pride I tend to think I know you before I know you. Just yesterday I was waiting patiently at the local tire center for my sweet new Michelin 205 55/R16’s when a lady walked in that I instantly sized-up. She was all bedazzled out in her giant sparkly cross purse, studded black hat tilted just slightly, and mobile phone that rang some party tune from the 1970’s. You know instantly what I thought? I thought, “this lady is moderately involved in a local mega-church women’s ministry.” Yeah, I’m judgmental. But, it got me thinking about the contrast of men’s involvement in virtually every area of local mega-church ministries to women’s involvement at the same churches. Where have all the men gone?

There’s a book called, “Why Men Hate Going to Church,” that I only made it about half-way thru just to pick up another book called, “Why Men Hate Reading.” Ok, that second part was a lie, but, the first part is true. The author spent much of his argument focused on the dominant feminine characteristics of the church. I agree that mega-church culture has a tendency to be a bit on the dainty side, and as a result mega-churches are trying to overcorrect with programs and series intended to attract the fictitious, stereotypical man. This man is about 6′2″, 225 lbs, wears flannel shirts, subscribes to the Nascar channel and just happens to be a kickboxing logger who lives in the desert. So, naturally, the church needs to cater to this man by creating over-the-top series’ and programs to engage this man and get his Aqua-Velva-splashing face through the door.

But, there are no loggers where I live. In fact my guess is that the men that do live in the surrounding community neither want to fully engage in the local effeminate church culture nor be forced into a box of the stereotypical man. Meanwhile, the women’s ministry is growing like gangbusters – involved all over the place and carrying much of the local church load. So what’s a mega-church to do?

Simplify. Don’t assume who I am, don’t try to fix me, and don’t give me more to check off my list. Here’s a few things you should know about me as a man:

* I am not a good singer and don’t feel comfortable hitting the high notes that the modern worship leader with his tight jeans and deep v-neck carries with ease
* I don’t like to lift my hands and spin around
* I want to hang out with other guys but not in an environment where I’m pressured or expected to engage for the sole purpose of connecting and talk about my feelings
* I don’t think about beer, sports, girls, sex and fighting all day long
* I just spent a week solving problems, putting out fires, worrying about next week, stressing about my to-do list and going down the mental list of if I’ve been a good father, husband, employee, student, etc. I really don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough because I haven’t plugged into the latest men’s group, mission trip or retreat
* I have difficulty processing someone telling me I’m the bride of Christ
* Words like engage, connect, amazing, spiritual growth, Bible study, prayer circle, feelings and “stand up and say hello to someone around you” don’t quite have the effect on me that you’d hope
* I don’t visit your website, Facebook or follow you on Twitter, so communicate with me some other way
* I’m exhausted and I don’t want to feel judged

Men don’t need more programs, Facebook requests, and church to-do items to add to their list. But, the church thinks they do and as a result pushes most men even further away. I recognize there are a lot of men who do “plug in” to the local church, but, let’s be honest, it is completely disproportionate to the women.

So, where have all the men gone? We are here, but we’re scared to death. We’re scared to be judged and it’s all we can think about because we spend our days putting a face on and judging others. We’re scared to commit to yet another thing because when we can’t meet the commitment we feel like a failure…and most of us already feel like failures at least once a week. We’re hesitant to be categorized into a church program because we neither want to fit in a church box nor be labeled.

Believe it or not, guys WANT to connect with other guys, just not in the way the local church always wants us to. We desire that community – we were built for it. But, we tend not to be maintainers. We don’t call each other to see how our week’s are going or how that “sin issue” is working out. We need excuses to all be at the same place at the same time doing something other than engaging with each other – that will happen naturally between half times, commercial breaks or rest stops. We need the location without the expectation. Then, with a little love, encouragement and direction, you’ll see us at our best. We will begin to want to engage in the local church because we are conquering side-by-side with other men. Got a problem? We will solve it. Got a mission’s trip where little kids are without water, being sexually abused or some other kind of injustice, we’ll knock down the door with such a passion to see things made right that you’ll likely need to restrain us. Got a bunch of guys getting together to pray? Well…that’s a little more difficult but we’ll try our best.

So, local mega-church, you want to engage with us and make us a local and global force for Christ? Put down the bedazzler and start real conversations with us. We need it to be simple, non-threatening, and with as little expectation as possible. Over time and mixed with some grace and truth you’ll see us gain confidence in not only our identity as a man but our identity as Christ-followers. And then we’ll start to engage. We will invite our friends. We might even put your church bumper sticker on our vehicles…but probably not.